As I listened to NPR this morning, this quote jumped out at me:
“I don’t care if Jesus is a member of your church, the city council zoning board will not pass a project that does not have the proper amount of parking.”
Just ponder that scenario for a minute… The story was about resistance to the construction of a mega-church in Chicago. The quote from a church leader was a response to criticism that prominent politicians who were members of the congregation would be able to influence the project. But, I couldn’t help wondering how a theoretical conversation between Jesus and a councilman on the occasion of attempting to influence the city council vote on the construction of a new church might go. Admittedly, I might have gotten it wrong.
A Theoretical Conversation Between Jesus and a Councilman
On the Occasion of Attempting To Influence The City Council Vote on the Construction of a New Church.
BY ERIK MOE
JESUS: Excuse me councilman, could I speak with you for a minute about the Salem Baptist project.
COUNCILMAN: Ah! Jesus! Hello! Yes I would be glad to hear what you have to say, my skinny, long-haired, bearded friend who is almost certainly of African decent. But, you should know right now that my constituents are not happy with the ratio of users to parking in that proposal.
JESUS: That’s what I wanted to talk about, my pudgy, balding friend with greasy french-fry stains from Wendy’s on his pants. You see our congregation should be exempt from that ordinance because our members are leaders in the movement that has been asking, “What would I drive?” — except using my actual name instead of saying “I,” of course. Since I’m a member of their church, the research wasn’t hard. They followed me to the El station after the potluck last week.
COUNCILMAN: What about that little Honda hatchback I saw you driving the other day?
JESUS: Oh! Well, yeah — I had to pick up some water and loaves at Safeway — Paul lets me use his car now and then for that kind of thing — its hell to carry groceries on the train.
COUNCILMAN: Paul Olson? Mickie’s kid? Is he old enough to drive now?
JESUS: He’s been driving for awhile now, yeah. He’s selling phones for Verizon down at that shop on Fairview. How do you know the Olsons?
COUNCILMAN: Huh? Oh Jeez — it’s funny — Mick and I go way back. We used to skip out of our afternoon accounting class at Providence and head over to Ecklesby Field to bet on the polo matches.
JESUS: No kidding? I’ll have to talk to him about that next time I’m over there — but yeah, Paul and I hang out all the time. Hey listen — about this church?
COUNCILMAN: Yeah… I’ll see what I can do for ya’ kid, but I’ve got a thousand soccer moms breathing down my neck about this parking issue — worried about traffic on their streets on Sunday mornings. You know, when I was a kid my folks would send us out to make money off that kind of thing — we’d let church-goers park their S.U.V.s right on the lawn for a nickel — and a nickel was a lot of money in those days — now folks get upset about strangers parking within eyeshot of the living room window. I tell ya! Listen, I’ve got to get to this meeting, but it was great to see ya kid — keep outta trouble, OK?
